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Sex After Baby
There are a lot of factors that greatly hinder (or even kill) your sex life after you’ve had a baby. It is a time of great transition and change as well as unbelievable exhaustion and untimely interruptions. But sex is a key part of your relationship and an essential part of your marriage, so whatever challenges you have to overcome, don’t give up, be intentional about finding solutions, and be patient when things don’t work out as you had hoped.
Everyone’s situation is different, which means there cannot be a one-
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Problem #1: Your Partner is Ready, but You’re Not
It is inevitable that your partner is going to be ready and wanting sex long before you are. Even after your body has healed enough for sex to be a viable option, still, your hormones, energy levels, and many demands from your baby make even the thought of sex very daunting and frightening for you.
What to Try:
* Be considerate of your partners feelings and needs.
Understand that sex for him is more than just a desire, but is a real emotional need. Just as you need him to be tender and considerate of your feelings, he needs you to be affectionate and physically affirming to him. Consider reading the books “For Women Only” or “Mars and Venus in the Bedroom” to help put things into perspective for you about what your husband needs from you. A fresh realization of why your husband needs sex will make it easier for you to be caring and considerate of his position.
* Consider an alternative to intercourse.
Keep in mind that your man is very sensitive to rejection. Your rejection of sex can easily be interpreted as a rejection of HIM. So if you really feel like intercourse is not yet an option for you, make sure to be very clear in communicating to your partner that it is not HIM that you are opposed, but that you do not feel like your body is really ready yet for intercourse. For you, it may be enough to just hug, kiss, and cuddle for a while. This simple form of affection can help you feel close and connected to your partner. But you need to remember that it is not the same with him, no amount of hugs, kisses, or cuddling will satisfy his deepest emotional needs. With that in mind, make it a priority to stretch yourself and touch him in sensual ways. Make it clear that you are not ready for intercourse, but that you still want to please him and give him the sexual release that he needs. Oral sex, or using a condom and manual stimulation, can both be effective alternatives to intercourse at this time.
* Assure your partner (and yourself) that this stage is only for a time.
Having a baby creates a difficult strain on your sex life, but if you are willing to keep trying and keep focusing on finding ways to work through the added strains and blocks to intimacy, you can be sure that in time you will break through this stage and find yourself on the other side. It may even surprise you how quickly you suddenly break through. This struggle is only for a time, and you need to be patient and keep reminding yourself of that. But don’t expect it to happen on it’s own, keep working together as a couple to sort through the different struggles you encounter. Togetherness and intentionality are the keys to opening the door to intimacy again.
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Problem #2: You Can’t Wait Six Weeks
This is the opposite of the above problem. Even before the six weeks are over, you just can’t wait to get back into the swing of things, but you’re not sure if it’s safe or not.
What to Try:
* Talk to your doctor or midwife.
It is always wise to get their advice on whether or not it is safe to begin having sex again. If you had a lot of tearing, a c-
* If your practitioner is concerned and advises against intercourse, you and your partner can still engage in manual stimulation without penetrating the vagina.
* If your practitioner gives the okay, it’s still a good idea to take things slow. Consider using the woman-
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Problem #3: The Delayed Reaction
If you have already resumed having sex, but then after a couple times you now feel like your body is opposed to it, this is the delayed reaction.
What to Try:
* Communicate with your partner.
It can be very confusing and frustrating for him if one moment he thinks your back and able to have sex and the next moment the wall of rejection is erected again. Whatever the reason (hormones, discomfort, exhaustion) be sure to communicate with your partner.
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Problem #4: Sex Doesn’t Feel the Same
Your body has been through a lot of changes with pregnancy and childbirth, so it really is no surprise if sex feels different to you.
What to Try:
* Kegel exercises.
Your vagina has been stretched a lot during childbirth, and nothing will help it get back to normal as quickly as Kegel exercises.
* Embrace the new you.
Instead of comparing everything to how it used to be, focus instead of finding delight in the way things are now. Sure things are different, and most of the changes are not likely things you like or find sexy, but instead of focusing on your stretch marks and extra belly, look for things that you like about your body and focus your attention on drawing out your good features. Do you have long hair? Try different ways of styling it. If you don’t like your big thighs, try wearing anklets to draw attention to the thinnest part of your legs instead. Pick a feature you like and focus your attention on that instead of on the features you don’t like. If you can find yourself attractive and feel confident in your new body, your husband is going to find your confidence attractive and won’t even notice any of your physical flaws.
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Problem #5: Sex is Painful
Hormone changes after childbirth will cause vaginal dryness and a thinning of the vaginal lining. You may also still be sore from childbirth. Even thought six weeks may be the typical time of healing before it is safe to resume sex, it can continue to take several more weeks, and even several more months, before your vagina is completely healed from the childbirth ordeal.
What to Try:
* Use lots of lubricant!
* Try the woman-
This position for having sex gives you more control so you can decide how hard or deep to penetrate during intercourse for as painless an experience as possible.
* Give it more time.
Depending on your birthing experience it can take several months to completely heal. If the pain you have is a result of an irritated c-
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Problem #6: Body-
It takes two months or more for your uterus to return to its normal size, and it can take up to a year or more to lose the added pregnancy weight. Add to that stretch-
What to Try:
* Give yourself a pep talk.
Seriously, your body is supporting another human being. There’s a little life that is completely dependent on you. During the course of 9 months, a little life has been growing inside of you, through sweat and tears you brought that child out into the world, and now you sustain that child every day through the nourishment of your body. It is a priceless and precious miracle that God is performing through your body. Your partner is marveling and impressed by it all, and you should be too. Sure your body is different now than it was, but it is still beautiful.
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Problem #7: Your Breasts are Tender or Leaking
If your breasts are sore, heavy, or prone to leaking, it can be a real distraction or turn-
What to Try:
* Try wearing a nursing bra or tank top during sex.
Wearing a top of some kind can help give needed support to heavy breasts, and can catch the flow of milk in the case of leakage. You may also consider nursing or using a breast pump before sex so that your breasts will not be as full or achy.
* Communicate with your partner.
Let your partner know if you would prefer your breasts to be covered or left alone, or whatever other preferences you have regarding your breasts. For some women they don’t mind the breast being touched so long as the nipples are left alone. For other women they find it pleasant to just have their husband cup his hand under the breast, giving support with the extra weight of the breast without much stimulation. Whatever you find you want or don’t want regarding the handling of the breasts, be sure to communicate it with your partner.
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Problem #8: Just Too Tired
Exhaustion is a common problem after having a baby. Even if you feel like you want or desire sex, half way in you realize that you’re just way too tired to continue.
What to Try:
* Use essential oils.
Essential oils are one thing that works directly with the energy levels of your body. There are many essential oils that can help rejuvenate your body when you are exhausted. Some of my favorites include: Lemon (energizing), Ylang-
* Give yourself 5 minutes.
Ask your partner for 5 minutes of “wake-
* Don’t take it too slow.
When your tired and exhausted that is not the time to move at a snails pace hoping to become fully aroused and erotic. Pillow fights, wrestling matches, fast and furious sex, these are more appropriate for the setting, since they will tap into your energy reserve and release the adrenaline needed to help you overcome the feeling of exhaustion.
* Experiment with different times of the day.
Don’t fall into the trap of thinking that sex always has to happen in the evenings. By evening time you are worn out from the days activities and too tired to even think about sex. Why not make it the first thing you do in the morning. Or, if you’re not a morning person, how about an afternoon romp? What time of day do you have the most amount of energy? Make it a date with your partner to have sex at that time (this may require getting a babysitter if your baby doesn’t usually sleep at that hour).
* Problem solve together.
Tell your husband, “I’m too tired but I really want to have sex with you”. Then do some creative problem solving together. Be open to suggestions he has and work together at finding a way to get you energized again.
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Problem #9: Baby Interruptions
Babies have a tendency of waking up and crying at the most inconvenient of times. While your partner may be encouraging you to just ignore the baby for a few more minutes, your mothering instincts just won’t allow you no matter how hard you try. A baby’s cry and be an instant sex-
What to Try:
* Make nap-
It doesn’t take long for a baby to begin setting some kind of sleeping routine. Pay attention to the time of day in which your baby is most likely to sleep for longer periods of time and then make it a date with your partner to have a time of intimacy at the time when your baby is asleep. If your evening lovemaking is always interrupted by baby cries, try middle of the day, or middle of the night, or early mornings. . . .whatever hour your baby is most likely to be sleeping heavily, make that your time for intimacy.
* Put the baby in a different room.
Even if the baby doesn’t wake up, just it’s little movements, grunts, or sleeping noises can be a real distraction to mommy. Put the baby down in a separate mood and put on some music to drowned out any baby noises that may interrupt your time together.
* Be flexible.
If the baby wakes up in the middle of love making, don’t accept it as a canceling of your lovemaking session, but insist on collecting a rain-
* Keep a sense of humor.
Sometimes there’s just nothing you can do about the interruptions. Instead of getting frustrated, try for a good laugh and a promise of trying again later (but not too much later!)
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Problem #10: Too Many Demands on My Body
New mothers often feel stressed by all the demands for their bodies. Baby wants constant holding and nursing, husband wants intimacy and sex. When a woman gets so caught up in meeting the physical needs of her baby and husband, she looses touch with herself.
What to Try:
* Give yourself transition time.
When you go straight from nursing to love making, it’s common to feel out of touch with your body and simply go through the actions of pleasing your husband out of duty and obligation instead of for the joy and thrill of it. Make it a priority to give yourself a little transition time. Before getting in bed next to your husband, give yourself a few minutes to reconnect with your body. Take a bath. Dab on some make up or perfume. Put on a nightgown that reflects your mood.
Make sure your husband understands why this time of transition is important for you. If you he understands your need to transition from grungy mama to sexy wife, he will support you in it. Most husbands will be more than happy to take the baby for a while in the evenings if they know their sexy wife will reemerge at the end of that time (and as a result of that time). Make the end results memorable for your partner and you can be sure he’ll be willing to help out again next time.
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Additional Tips and Ideas:
* Communicate with Your Partner
I cannot stress this enough. Both you and your partner are experiencing a great many stresses and frustrations regarding this topic. Communicate, communicate, communicate!
* Use lots of lubricant.
The lining of your vagina has thinned as a result of childbirth, and your hormones will continue to keep this lining thin as long as you are breastfeeding. This thinning can cause a lot of discomfort and even pain during intercourse, so be sure to use lubricant each time.
* Get out of the “Mommy Rut”
It is a tendency for mothers to get so caught up in meeting the needs of their babies that they neglect themselves. When they get dressed they’re not thinking about what would be attractive, but rather what would be most comfortable or easiest for nursing in. Instead of nice smelling perfumes they’re wearing the scent of their baby. Instead of jewelry and make-
Get out of the old flannel t-
* Pamper yourself.
Now is the perfect time to go out and get a manicure or buy some new lingerie. You are not the same person you were before the delivery, so take some time to rediscover your new body, and to find ways to help yourself feel more comfortable and confident in the body you have now. You may also consider enrolling in a yoga or gym class. . .sitting around mourning the loss of your perfect figure will only make you depressed, but being intentional about getting your body back into shape will help you feel a lot better as a whole.
* Use essential oils.
Essential oils are one thing that works directly with the energy levels of your body. There are many essential oils that can help rejuvenate your body when you are exhausted. Some of my favorites include: Lemon (energizing), Ylang-
* Talk about it.
If your and your husband are utterly exhausted and just not in the mood for sex, how about just laying in each others arms and simply talking about what you would like – if only you had the energy. As you each take turns sharing your fantasies, you may find an ounce or two of energy to put to good use. Encouraging your mind to think about sex can stimulate your hormones to give a little adrenaline for that very purpose.
* Get out of bed.
Ever since having your baby, it seems like the moment you hit the bed you’re immediately aware of how tired you are. Why not try other locations for sex, locations that won’t remind you of how tired you are? All you need is a little space and a little privacy . . . that exists in other places besides just the bedroom. Be creative!
* Have a glass of wine.
Loosen up, unwind, and de-
* Massage.
Try a full body massage for a complete de-
* Save some of your energy.
Make sex a priority. Keep in mind that your relationship with your husband is more important that any household chores you may have. So as you’re going about your day, keep in mind that some of your energy needs to be saved for later so you’ll have some energy left to engage with your husband. If you’re breastfeeding, remember that while it doesn’t take any conscious effort on your part, providing nourishment for your baby is still a chore you do that requires a great deal of energy. The energy your body uses to produce milk for your baby is the same as if you had spent the entire day in the kitchen baking bread. If having energy in the evenings requires you taking a nap in the afternoon than do it. Having energy to invest in your marriage and with your husband is more important than having a clean house or being caught up with the laundry. Save the best of your energy for your man!
* Be intimate all the time.
Don’t let sex be your only form of intimacy. That alone will make your relationship stale and sex feel more like a chore than a thrill. Engage in intimacy all the time. Go on walks as a family and hold hands with your partner. Hug each other often. Kiss frequently (and not just a peck either!). Sit next to each other at every opportunity, but not just next to your partner but close to your partner (try putting your hand on his thigh for some added heat). Express your love in many different ways throughout the day.
* Just do it!
For a woman the longer she goes without sex the harder it will be to get back into the groove. So don’t wait for the desire to come back before you start engaging in sex again. Just do it. The first few times you may do it for no other reason than to please your partner, that’s okay! The more intentional you are about having sex, the more you will be inclined to it, and the sooner you will find your desire for it has returned. So stop making excuses for why you don’t want to have sex and just go ahead and do it.
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